"No dress rehearsal, this is our life."

This city is nice. I wish I could conceive of a better adjective, but it's hard to describe a place when you feel like you've given a piece of yourself to it.

The last eight months, my first eight months of university, have been calm in comparison to the rest of my life. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that right now there is nowhere else better for me to be, and that has offered a contentment that I've never felt before. The island always had me itching for more and struggling to find myself in a place where the me I was looking for simply didn't fit.

Eight months ago I was a wreck. I was emotionally numb and had no grasp of myself, much less the world around me. I had wanted to leave so badly, and now that the time had come I didn't feel what I wanted to; I didn't feel happy. I had no idea at all why or what it meant, but I was extremely aware that it wasn't enough for me.

How do I describe what happened? I'm not sure there's any chronological way, just to say that somehow I changed. Somewhere in the midst of stress, loneliness, anger, and a mess of other emotions, I came face-to-face with the person I didn't realize I was somewhere inside. And that person refused to talk herself down, refused to keep quite to save face, and refused to ever let a crack show in a shining layer of armor covering some very new emotions.

Daily, I miss the old me. Not constantly, not overwhelming...but daily. Being who I am now has some of the greatest effects on my life. I'm not afraid of being hurt, I'm not afraid to stand my ground, and I'm not afraid of getting close to people. But along the way I lost my compassion and I lost my humility. Somewhere on the road between then and now, I lost what made me the person that brought me here. I stopped wanting more and pining for a difference. I became content with living a life that protects my heart from the hurt I faced what seems years ago.

In coming here, I did get what I was looking for. More than that, I found people who like the person I've become. Those aren't strong enough words to describe the incredible friends I've made or the impact they have had on me, but once again: how can adjectives describe those that hold a piece of you?

I despise the seriousness in which this is written. I despise the hint of regret. I know that when I recount this year I'm going to describe it as the best I've ever had, because it's the truth. But at the same time, I can't hide that I miss who I was. My life before eight months ago was full of regretful situations (to put it lightly), but those situations allowed me passion, they forced me to care about others so as not to drown in myself.

However, I've started to realize that it's impossible to categorize life as "before this" and "until then". Life is that fragmented, surely, but it's one complete life at the same time. Who I was, who I am...they're the same person. I just have to learn to live with that